The only MMA conference call transcript you’ll ever need

(Classical music fades in and out as if on a distant radio station. It abruptly stops at times, raising hopes that call is about to begin. Then it restarts, dashing those hopes. … 10-15 minutes after the scheduled start time, the music stops.)

MUFFLED VOICE: … then he threw the soup.

(Others laugh)

OPERATOR: This is the UXC 132 conference call. Please hit Star-1 if you want to ask a question, but not yet. If you’re on a speakerphone, please mute it so your signal can reach our equipment. Turning it over to your host now, Mr. Jim Payar.

JIM: Thanks, this is Jim … Pierre … welcoming you to today’s call. On the line, we have UXC welterweight champion Delbert “Wild Man” Grumptalker, UXC heavyweight Pete Oneliner and Grumptalker’s challenger, Silva Silva. Silva will be speaking in Klingon, but we have Ed Worf translating for him. We’re still trying to reach Droopy Napmaster, who’ll be fighting against Oneliner — we’ll let you know when he’s on the line. Operator, we’re ready to take questions now.

OPERATOR: Once again, that’s Star-1 if you want to ask a question. We’ll pause now to assemble the queue.

(20 seconds later)

OPERATOR: Your first question is from Warren Whyzefirst from

WHYZEFIRST: Yeah, my question is for Droopy. Droopy, you won your last fight using a modified guillotine. Do you …

JIM: Hey … Warren? Warren? Yeah, Droopy isn’t on the line yet.

WHYZEFIRST: Oh. Um, OK then, I’ll ask Pete. Pete, Droopy tends to win his fights using various types of guillotine chokes. What do you plan to do to avoid his guillotine.

ONELINER: Knock him out. Maybe before he gets to the cage.

WHYZEFIRST: OK, great. Um, I’ll come back if Droopy gets on the line.

JIM: OK, thanks, Warren. Who’s next?

OPERATOR: Your next question is from Paul Wannabe of

WANNABE: Yeah, this is for Wild Man. In your last fight, you used the butterfly guard for a total of 25 seconds. In the fight before that, you only used the butterfly guard for 23 seconds. Is this something you’ve been working on in training?

WILD MAN: Man, why you gotta ask that? I ain’t gotta talk about that!

WANNABE: Um … OK. Next question for Silva — in 2010, you fought four times. This year so far, you’ve only fought three times. Do you think ring rust will be an issue against Grumptalker?

WORF: Ayyy, como venny viddy bessy gasplutnik como Grumptalker enny venny sploony chelsea arsenal corinthians gardak?

SILVA: Santos gardak?

WORF: Enny como Grumptalker.

SILVA: Grumptalker gardak?

WORF: Ayyyy, Grumptalker vahaynas donovan eskandarian kaput.

SILVA: Guhsplit.

WORF: He says he is looking forward to a great fight against a great champion who has represented the sport well for many years, and God willing, he will perform to the best of his ability. About ring rust — he says it shouldn’t be a problem because he trained for many years and is ready to take the fight wherever it goes. He thanks the UXC for this opportunity and dedicates this fight to everyone in Brazil.

WANNABE: Great, thanks.

OPERATOR: Your next call is from Mark Spottycell with

SPOTTYCELL: Hey gu … (radio propagation) … in the Silva … (static) … imprisoned for mansla … (Russian numbers station) … trained with Jackie Chan … (random beeping noises)

JIM: Hey, Mark? Mark? Yeah, we’re having a hard time hearing you.

SPOTTYCELL: (pause) OK, is this … (more beeping noises) … with his girlfriend … (MIDI rendition of Chinese national anthem) … in Brazil?

JIM: Mark, yeah, why don’t you try again and call back. We’ll get you in the queue.

ONELINER: Dude, are we being invaded by aliens?

JIM: OK, while that was happening, Droopy Napmaster joined us.

ONELINER: Hey! You found your alarm clock!

NAPMASTER: Yeah (loud snort), sorry. I’m here.

JIM: So we’ll open it back up for more questions. Operator?

OPERATOR: We have a question from Steve Smith of Punch, Kick and Choke magazine.

SMITH: Great, this is for Droopy. When you last fought, you were three pounds overweight at the weigh-in. How’s your weight cut going this time?


SMITH: Droopy?

JIM: Operator, is Droopy still here?

OPERATOR: He dropped off the line.

JIM: OK. Sorry, Steve, we’ll have to bring you back later in the call. Operator, who’s next?

OPERATOR: Next we have Walt Shortstraw from Big Local Times.

SHORTSTRAW: Yeah, um, hi. My question is for Delbert. This is your second time fighting in BigTown, from what I understand. Do you have any special memories of fighting here the first time?

GRUMPTALKER: Special memories? Like what?

SHORTSTRAW: Just, um, anything you remember about the town or the arena.

GRUMPTALKER: I don’t think about that. I just come to fight.

SHORTSTRAW: OK. And the last time you were here, you told fans that were booing that they could, quote, kiss your ass. What prompted you to say that?

GRUMPTALKER: I ain’t got nothing to say about that.

SHORTSTRAW: Right. Next question is for Pete. You have a reputation for having (paper ruffles) heavy hands and a good chin. Can you tell us what that means?

ONELINER: Well, you know, I ain’t too pretty to start with. So if someone hits me, I can’t get any uglier. But when I hit someone else? They get a whole lot uglier. So I got that going for me.

SHORTSTRAW: Uh huh. OK thanks.

JIM: I think we have time for one last question.

OPERATOR: Our final question comes from Buddy Toofamiliar with

BUDDY: Hey, Pete, what’s up, man?

ONELINER: Not much, man, how’s it going?

BUDDY: (laughs) OK, OK. Been a long time, man. Kids doing OK?

ONELINER: Yeah, they’re … they’re good, wait, who is this again?

BUDDY: Ha ha ha ha — good one, man. Always good to joke around with you. So hey, man, can you talk about what a great ride it’s been to get to this point?

ONELINER: Yeah … um … it’s been … you know … great. I’ve been lucky to …

BUDDY (interrupting): Yeah, you said it, man. Hey Delbert! What’s up, man?


BUDDY: So what do you think for this fight? Are we looking at a knockout of the night?


BUDDY (laughing): OK, OK. So Silva, what’s going on?

WORF: Ay como merioso curioso.

SILVA: Hello.

BUDDY: So can you tell me your exact gameplan in excruciating detail going into this fight?

WORF: Cera idiota seek drogba kanu romario gameplan strategery?

SILVA: Strategery?

WORF: Aye affirmativo.

SILVA: Heh heh heh. Tell idiota forma plan secreto por raison.

WORF: He says he’ll be ready to take the fight wherever it goes.

BUDDY: Cool, cool. Thanks a lot guys, good luck.

SILVA: Thanks.

JIM: All right, thanks everybody. That’s it for today’s conference call. Reminder to media attending UXC 132 — we’ll have open workouts on Tuesday, followed by a press conference. Then on Wednesday, we’ll have a media brunch, a press conference and some one-on-one interviews. On Thursday, we’ll have a press conference, followed by some media availabilities at some charity functions, then a press conference. On Friday, we’ll have the weigh-ins. That’ll be preceded by a press conference. After weigh-ins, we’ll have some media availabilities with select fighters, and finally, a press conference. The media center will open Saturday for a light dinner and a press conference, and the first fight gets underway around 9 a.m. Then, after an interminable wait, we’ll have our postfight press conference right around the time all your energy drinks wear off. See you then.

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3 Responses to The only MMA conference call transcript you’ll ever need

  1. Loretta Hunt says:


  2. Matthew Roth says:

    This is absolutely perfect.

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